confession session :: control, plans and discernment

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Here I go writing another confession session about control. This is the recurring theme of my life. I want something. I want to control every ounce of it. I drive myself crazy. I finally let go. I let God be in control. Everything turns out fine and sometimes even better than originally planned. 

A few weeks ago Daniel preached a sermon that struck very close to where I am in my life. We've been journeying through Acts this summer and Daniel was talking about the point in Paul's ministry when he doesn't travel anymore until he hears from God on where to go next. Paul let God dictate every step of his mission field. But here's the part I never really caught... Paul was a planner. He was detailed and thorough and gave everything much thought. Hello!! I am a planner! But here's where I fall short... Paul always allowed his plans to be rejected, accepted or amended by God. I allow God to do those things once I've driven myself crazy with control. 

Daniel took Paul's planning to teach us about Christian discernment. When Daniel took this turn in his sermon it was like a light-bulb went off. Christian discernment allows us to take seriously, "What would God have me do?"... I thought back to all of the big plans I have had in my life. Yes, I've prayed over a lot of stuff. But had I really allowed God to reject, accept or amend? Had I asked myself what God's will would be or was I just praying for the thing I wanted most? 

Being totally honest (this is a confession session!) there is so much in my life right now where I really need to ask that of myself. Financial planning, family planning, my ministry, Daniel's ministry, being a mom, my role as a wife, my health... I need to submit all of it to prayer. All. Of. It. Truly discerning and allowing God to speak to me would actually save me a lot of anxiety, day-dreaming and wasted time. 

I love the fact that Paul was a planner. There are many of us moms/women out there who would call ourselves THE planners of the family. I'm going to try my hardest to wake up every morning and submit my plans to God and really discern and listen to what He would have me do... I'm not talking grocery lists and errands, but the big things in my life that I need to take more seriously. I'm really ready for clarity, direction and transformation. 

confession session: prayer is the answer

image via pinterest

Last week was big. Like one of the biggest weeks of my working career at MDUMC. Yes, I had the Kendra Scott party but that isn't what made it a big week - it was my Saturday event. I helped facilitate an Open Space event for the women in my church to really revision Women's Ministry. It's something I had been working so hard on the past year. I was anxious the weeks leading up to it. I was excited about what the outcomes could be. I talked about it nonstop... I talked to my consultant, to Daniel, to friends who cared to listen, to my MOPS group, to my task force, to the woman in the grocery store... okay that was a joke, but really anyone who would listen I would verbal vomit all over them. I think it was a way for me to just air out my insecurities and anxieties about the process. 

And then I got sick. Like fever-chills-sore-throat sick for the fourth time in 12 weeks. And I lost my voice. Gone. Nothing coming out but squeaks and Daniel basically telling me not to talk at all. And when did this happen? Wednesday! Just a few days before my event! I was in bed, praying for God to heal my voice when I remembered a quote I had seen on Pinterest some time ago: Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it? Guilty. 

It was that night that I realized I had been asking everyone to cover the event in prayer but I had not. Instead of seeking out God first I was talking to anyone who gave me a minute of their time. Doesn't 1 Thessalonians 5:17 tell us to "pray without ceasing"  and Philippians 4:6 say "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Yes it does, Jean. And it didn't even register for me. 

Now, I don't believe that God struck my vocal chords and silenced me on purpose. It was definitely a coincidence. But I do believe that God spoke to me in the prayer when I was asking him to heal my voice. I changed my prayers from healing my voice to healing the brokenness some women in our church feel. I prayed that women would show up feeling open and honest. I prayed for wisdom and a sweet spirit to fill the meeting room. I prayed that barriers would come down and through that the love of Christ would shine through. 

Saturday came and it was better than I could have ever imagined. My consultant kept telling me to "trust the process" (meaning, trust Open Space Technology)... for me it should have been "trust God"... because He really did bless the event. God's spirit and wisdom filled our meeting place and I am amazed at what these women in my church came up with. It makes me so excited to be a part of MDUMC and head of women's ministry. 

I don't know what you are going through right now - maybe it's financial stress, trying to get pregnant, feeling overwhelmed with children or work, grieving the loss of a loved one or angry about a certain diagnosis. I hope that this post can speak to you and encourage you to give that over to God. God may not answer it the way you want Him to but He will bless you for it. He is over everything. He is good and just. He is the light in our darkness. Our strength and redeemer. And I can guarantee you can talk His ear off!

confession session :: oh no, she didn't! part II

Two of my favorite people are having babies in the next week - Erin, my cousin, is set to have baby girl on Thursday and Kirby, one of my best friends, is due any day with baby boy. So, in honor of their babies, I thought I would do a throw back to one of my most favorite and popular posts: Confession Session :: oh no, she didn't! If you are new to the blog - you can check it out HERE. I wrote it after the girls turned seven months old. Here's the first paragraph: 

Before you are a mom, there are things about parenthood that you just don't get. OR, like me, you think you know better - or a better way to do things. When I was pregnant and I would hear my friends/parents/coworkers talk about raising their children, I remember thinking often, "oh no, she didn't!"... I let the kids sleep in my bed sometimes. The horror! We aren't on a schedule. Gasp! A diaper can be used in more ways than you think. Say what?! I guess because I deemed myself super-star big sister and babysitter, I would automatically know everything about raising children "perfectly"... Oh goodness, did I get a wake up call that first week the girls were here! Even in the almost-seven months they have been here, I learn something new every day about being a mom and have probably broken every "rule" I set for myself before the girls arrived...

Now, fast forward two years and things still haven't changed. I still have my "rules" that I have set from way back when. I still have my expectations of how the girls will act and behave. You would think after their first year I would learn, ha! So, in continuing tradition, here are the broken rules from the past year or so:

Broken Rule #1: My children will know how to deal with anger and move on. Maybe I should have set that for the teenage years. Two year olds - especially two girls the same age in the same household - is like a ball of hormones and rage ready to be unleashed on anyone at any second. If I put the blanket on their body just a few inches too far left, well then screaming, crying, the "I hate you" stare and nails start coming at you. If one steals a toy from the other, you can count on both going down in a matter of seconds. Emma, for some reason, strips naked sometimes. Lovely! I will say, the closer we move toward three the more they are able to take a deep breath and move on more quickly. Thank. Goodness.

Broken Rule #2: My children will never be dependent on snacks - especially sugar or junk food. Okay, you can laugh all you want, but I really, really wanted this one to work out. I didn't want to be the mom who gave the kids so many snacks at 4PM that they weren't hungry for dinner... busted. I really do not like the phrase "I'm hungry!" - especially after it comes fifteen minutes after a meal. We've had plenty of meltdowns by the pantry and refrigerator because the girls feel like they are deprived of food... and I swear they eat more calories than me! Also, I tried to hold out on sugar/cookies/ice cream, etc... and I feel like I do do a good job of restricting sugar and salt. However, if a cookie buys me an extra 30 minutes to work or sweep or whatever... done. Was ice cream THE thing that made going #2 on the potty click? Absolutely! Should I have invented a hashtag on Instagram that said something like #willpoopforicecream? Yes! For more on food, please see Broken Rule #4.

Broken Rule #3: My child will behave and listen to what I ask of them. Honestly, 60% of the time Claire and Emma act really well in public. The other 40% of the time they. are. wild. Before children, when I saw a toddler having a meltdown in the store and the parent would just walk away... I actually thought to myself you are a bad parent. Now I know why we do that - so we don't kill our children! Also, I was always against those backpack/leash things... now I think they are genius!!! I have not bought them, but you know what, if it's going to keep you calm and keep your child safe, whatever. Go for it. Kids are kids. They are going to misbehave. They need to know what the boundary is - and I think my girls like to know how many times they can break it before Mommy goes really crazy. Yesterday at HEB, in what started as sweet hugging quickly turned into choking and biting in the fish department. The young man behind the counter started to laugh. Horrified, I could only ask, "Do you have children?" He said no. I replied, "Well, I hope this is good birth control for you then."

Broken Rule #4: I will not bribe my children with food. When you read the parenting books, they all say: Don't bribe your child with food! Well, I'm guilty like 234 times a week. Claire, if you sit on your bottom I will buy you goldfish. Emma, if you are quiet at church this morning we can have ice cream after dinner. Sometimes I think Emma and Claire have manipulated me on this one, which they probably have... but really, food can be a really good tool to redirect behavior. I should have known I would break this rule as a parent since I did as a teacher a few times.

Broken Rule #5: My children will take a nap until they are in PreSchool. I haven't really broken this rule yet - but my girls have. About every other day they break this rule! This is the main reason they are still in cribs. Recently, it has gotten quite comical... they throw everything out of their cribs, scream at each other and get naked - yes more nakedness. They even open and close the shutters, they play with their babies... anything to avoid taking a nap. They might go two days with no nap but then the third day they will take a three hour nap. Sometimes if one has managed to fall asleep, I'll grab the other and put them on my bed to watch tv... I hope to preserve naptime for as long as possible and keep them in their cribs until they are seven years old.



Broken Rule #6: My girls will only watch 30 minutes of television a day.  Okay please don't judge me on this but the girls watch a lot more tv than that. They watch a good amount in the morning during breakfast and a good amount in the afternoon after nap... When I was pregnant - and even in the first year of their life - I was so strict about television. I read so much about how bad tv is for your brain and was frankly okay with not having it on at all. Well, once the girls started to watch Cinderella around their first birthday it was all downhill. We only watch Disney movies, PBS shows and Diego and Dora... but we watch a lot. I'm not ashamed that my girls can call out a Puffin at Whole Foods on a box (by the way, a Puffin is a penguin/bird thing they learned from Diego - I had no idea) or that they can identify what Disney song is playing with only hearing a few bars of the introduction... Who let's their kids watch tv as much as I do? Mommy's who are tired, who need a bath, who need entertainment, who need Elmo to teach them about the letter of the day and who want their kids to snuggle on the couch with them and make good memories.

The reality is that I break rules every day. As a new mom or a mom pregnant with your fifth baby, rules are broken... you grow and learn by breaking the rules and hope that some day your kids will know how to act, how to take a breath, how to not kill their sister in HEB... and a lot of days are filled with moments like the picture above. Being a mom is hard and you do what you think is right for your children and your sanity!

confession session :: who you calling holy?

Here we are walking into Daniel's ordination this summer.

Daniel and I were at a "gathering" earlier in the summer (don't want to give away where we were!) and had fun catching up with old friends from college. After what seemed to be great conversation, we overheard someone say to the rest of the group, "Did you hear what Jean and Daniel are doing now? They must be really holy people." What?!? At first, I was kind of offended, but I guess if you want someone to talk behind your back you want it to be about something good, right? And then we just laughed and laughed... we've been called lots of things before, but holy?

I can see it though - Daniel is a pastor at a very large Methodist church. He's helped grow a dying contemporary service into a vibrant worshipping community. I'm now the Director of Women's Ministry. We do things like Bible study, community groups... we don't go to bars - I don't drink regularly... I can see from the outside how some would assume we are holy, do-no-evil, praise Jesus-all-the-time type people.  

But can I be honest here... can I confess something? When I describe myself to people I don't include the word holy. If someone were to look into my life or in my mind, holy probably wouldn't pop up as much as other words. For instance:

1. About six-eight months ago when I couldn't lose these few pounds I had gained out of nowhere, I had a "genius" idea. I decided that I could start smoking. Seriously. I thought, 'smokers are thin and I wouldn't be inclined to snack as much'... Done. Doing it. Problem: I hate smoking. I hate smoke. I gag when I'm around it and get pissy when I walk into a place where I smell it. Oh, and I have children at home! You can obviously tell how wrong this is on so many levels.... needless to say, I didn't start smoking. 

2. My normal tone/attitude at work is usually sweet, chipper and funny. My normal tone/attitude at home is usually a mix of whiny meets bossy. 

3. I let my two year olds dance to booty music. I know it's horrible, but you can't really have a dance-off to Chris Tomlin. Yes, Claire knows how to dance to Gangnam Style and even tries to sing the Korean along with it.

4. I am really bad about quiet time/prayer time. Like embarrassingly bad. 

5. There are days when I forget to feed my dog.

6. I struggle with envy, jealousy and worry. 

7. I have issues with cursing. I am good at hiding it from most people, but put me in the right setting or give me a glass of wine and it starts to come out. It was so bad my freshman year of college that my roommate, Jordan, actually instituted a cuss-cup for me. 

Here's the good news in all of this.  I'm striving to be better. I am working on being holy and Godly and blameless. I'm not perfect - I'm human. And God loves that... He loves all of my quirks - from idiotic ideas on how to lose weight to all the bad stuff that comes out of my mouth.

Maybe when we were called holy it felt more of a conviction than anything... it really has taken me several months to reflect on it and finally feel like I could write about it on here. I felt like as a pastor's wife maybe I should share my shortcomings to those who are in the church (and aren't!) to give hope and encouragement. So I'll leave you with this:

I'm not holy 100% of the time. But I sure am trying. 

hello my name is jean and i feel overwhelmed

image via pinterest

I saw this picture on Pinterest and literally laughed out loud. I felt like if it had a caption it would read "Hello, my name is Jean and I feel overwhelmed"!!

Welcome to my world the past few weeks. As I am gearing up for my BIG event at church... as excited and hopeful as I am about the event, I am anxious and overwhelmed. I have learned three major things about myself the past week:

1. I am called to teach and lead. 

2. I am called to do ministry.

3. I am NOT called to be an event planner. 

Geeze, women can be crazy! I'm planning an event for the church and meeting the needs of about 300+ women... it's not like just dealing with a bride or a mother of the bride. This is way out of my league. Here are a couple of emails I've received:

"Can you tell me the process in which the meal is cooked?"... "__________ and ________ have sat next to each other for the past 8 years and I sure hope you can continue that tradition"... that's just the beginning. This is hard for me because I am both a people-pleaser and super Type-A/perfectionist. I want to be nice and meet the needs of everyone... but it's wearing me thin! I think I worked from 8-midnight last night? Not a fun way to spend Friday.

Plus, Claire - according to the doctor - has scabies. She has a rash on her body and it itches like crazy. I've given her the ointment and benedryl and it doesn't seem to help. Plus, Scabies can spread? So now I have a fear of waking up on Monday morning the night of my event with scabies across my face. G-reat. 

I feel overwhelmed. I haven't been that nice to Daniel. I really need a nap. 

But... I leave in an hour to go pick up Epiphanie from the airport. I know the second I see her smiling face, everything will probably fade. Because in the end, it's worth it. And I know on Tuesday morning, after the event is behind me, I'll feel overwhelmed with how truly beautiful the event was. 

confession session :: temper-tantrums, burn marks & a muffin-top

I had a rough afternoon... I need to get it out...

We are almost two months into having two two year olds and as much as I love this age, I am ready to move on past this age. I'm stuck in this weird spot where I don't really want my girls to grow up - they still seem so small and babyish to me - but I also want them to be a little more independent... a little more "grown up". 

I'm also at a hard place because Claire is in this awesome stage right now - she's super sweet, super easy to deal with, curious and even though she doesn't listen to the word "no", she is easy to teach and redirect... easy to trust and let play alone for awhile... 

Emma on the other hand is in full-blown temper-tantrum mode. For every sweet, loving thing she does, she soon follows with an insane-is-this-really-my-child outburst. Thank God she hasn't done it outside of the home... yet. She strips herself naked (see above, yes, that's in the car), cries, screams, does some sort of hot-potato-hand-wave and jumps/hops/stomps over and over again. Oh there is also, flailing, pretending to be asleep on the floor and other dramatics... at first it was funny. Now I'm just tired. Emma's verbal skills are growing more and more every day and that is helping in trying to figure out what exactly has set her off. But we still have a long way to go...

The past few days have been tough... meltdowns every night at dinner... Emma puked last night randomly... Today was kind of the icing on the cake. Daniel took Claire to the grocery store for their father-daughter outing this afternoon. Well, Emma got jealous and angry and proceeded to cry the entire time (1 hour, 13 minutes, but who was counting?!). As I was holding her, she bit my head. Hard. While I tried to sit on the couch with her she slapped my face. Time Out didn't work, it just made things far worse. "Fun" activities kept her calm for a matter of five minutes. By the time Daniel got home I had lost it. 

Confession: instead of thanking Daniel for freeing me of one child... and instead of thanking Daniel for grocery shopping... and instead of just leaving Emma to herself, I got myself all worked up and angry at Daniel like it was his fault and next thing you know Mommy is in full temper-tantrum mode. Not my best parent or wife moment. 

To make it worse, because I have no mind by this point, I grab a cookie sheet from the 450 degree oven with my bare hand and burn the you-know-what out of my fingers... and then when I run into the dining room to check in on Claire all I notice in the mirror is my body in my Nike running shorts and my white tank top... and that muffin-top is just glaring at me reminding me I haven't worked out at the gym since Friday and all those body image insecurities start swelling up in me. And I start to slowly lose it... crying and more crying. 

It's been a few hours since the Jean and Emma Meltdown of 2012 and now I can laugh at how ridiculous the afternoon was. 

I lost my patience. I lost sight of what was really important (giving comfort to Emma).

I don't know where you are today or where you'll be tomorrow or the next... but we all have bad days. We all mess up. We all do it wrong sometimes. It's easy for women to feel like we have to have it all: perfect house, perfectly cooked meal, sweet and smart children, rockin' body, etc... today I felt like I didn't have any of that. 

But the truth is, I do. I am perfect in God's eyes. My children are perfect in God's eyes. He loves us the way we are - temper tantrums, burn marks, muffin-top and all. I have stuff I need to work on - and God's grace, love and forgiveness allows me to continue to strive to be the best Jean I can be. 

I have great kids. I have a great husband. I love my job. Fantastic family. Wonderful friends. I feel secure. Tomorrow is a new day. Thank goodness.

Here's to a great day tomorrow - fresh start filled with lots of extra kisses for Miss Strong-willed Emma. 

confession session: oh no, she didn't.

Before you are a mom, there are things about parenthood that you just don't get. OR, like me, you think you know better - or a better way to do things. When I was pregnant and I would hear my friends/parents/coworkers talk about raising their children, I remember thinking often, "oh no, she didn't!"... I let the kids sleep in my bed sometimes. The horror! We aren't on a schedule. Gasp! A diaper can be used in more ways than you think. Say what?! I guess because I deemed myself super-star big sister and babysitter, I would automatically know everything about raising children "perfectly"... Oh goodness, did I get a wake up call that first week the girls were here! Even in the almost-seven months they have been here, I learn something new every day about being a mom and have probably broken every "rule" I set for myself before the girls arrived. Here are some examples:

Broken Rule #1: I will always get the girls down for a nap in their crib

While screaming, thrashing, kicking, rolling and refusing to go down for a nap... after two hours, I dug in the closet and found this sleep sack for Claire. I had remembered we were given one and never used it. As I stuffed Claire into the "baby-straight-jacket", I laid her on the bed next to the desk in the office. Forget trying to get her to sleep in the crib, my head was throbbing and I needed some sweet relief via facebook. Within five minutes the baby was asleep, legs bound and unable to kick.

Broken Rule #2: My house will always be clean and organized.

With twins, laundry is constant. I'm sure with one baby, laundry is constant. We got through ten bibs a day, several burp cloths, a set of pjs, a set of clothes (or two if there is an accident)... and the list goes on. If I have even gotten the laundry downstairs I feel like I can celebrate with a glass of wine.

Broken Rule #3: I will always give my children my constant attention.

Whenever my friends kept telling me how much they love the Bumbo, I always thought it was because it was a good way to teach your child how to sit. Nope. It keeps your child in one spot so Mommy can catch a break (i.e. a bathroom break, a diet coke break, a blogging break). Thank you to the toy-gods above for making this genius seat.

Broken Rule #4: I will continue to give my dog the love and attention he deserves.

Okay, I think this is the hardest one to write about. All of my friends told me your relationship will change with your pet once your kid(s) came along. I couldn't believe that. Boaz was our baby. Our firstborn. He brought us so much joy! They. were. right. I love my dog, but with two babies demanding so much of me, Boaz gets put on the back-burner. This picture was taken while I was taking photos of the girls and I kept getting mad because Boaz was distracting the girls with his ball (don't get me started on the ball). As much as I love Boaz deep down, it has changed. I am not a good pet-owner. Thank goodness Daniel loves and cares for him the same.

Broken Rule #5: I will never sleep with my children in bed.

When I heard of co-sleeping I laughed, rolled my eyes, the works. Who does that? Weird people? The uninformed? Um, tired people, Jean. Okay I have only done this maybe three times - and every time Daniel was awake to watch the girls - so hold your SIDS comments. But, there are times when exhaustion, tears, worry, whatever play into a middle-of-the-night meltdown where the kid comes to bed. (this picture was probably at the two month mark - we haven't done this in a long time, but we did it)

So I confess, I'm no expert. I've broken "the rules" - who cares if you put your child to bed when they are asleep... or you rock them for hours in the night... or you haven't washed your hair in three, four, five days. Being a mom is hard and you do what you think is right for your children and your sanity. Can I get an Amen?!

confession session: sore loser

Okay, I admit it. I'm a sore loser. Probably the worst. Most of the time I'm really good at hiding it... like at my in-laws or a friends' houses (cat's out of the bag!). But when I'm in the comforts of my own home, my ugly twin comes out.

The sore loser in me first showed up when I was a kid. My favorite game was the Pizza Party game as pictured above. I won that game ALL the time. Same with Candy Land, Shoots and Ladders... But when my sister Laura finally won the Pizza Party game (she was like 4 years old), I had an all out conniption fit. Thank God we did not have a video camera... well I take that back, because it would have definitely won America's Funniest Home Videos! Crying. Running into another room. Anger. Not fun for me - hilarious for my parents. Yes, the type A/perfectionist showed itself very early for me and it's taken a long time to tame it.

So the other night Daniel and I got in bed and played Scattergories. He had brought up the game over Thanksgiving and I had forgotten about that game. I love word games! We played 13 rounds when I could take it no more. He had beaten me every game. Now, I'm definitely good at the game - I would be proud of my double answers and creative twists. But, unfortunately, Daniel is better. After that last round where Daniel beat me by ten points, I slowly got off the bed... Crying. Running into another room. Anger. Blame it on the hormones of weaning the girls, blame it on that perfectionist in me, blame it on my extreme competitiveness. I felt totally defeated. And then, I started crying because I felt stupid for crying in the first place. Daniel came in the bathroom and we had a really good laugh. I'm 26 years old and I confess: I'm still a sore loser.

So will I still have to pace around the house when Duke is about to lose a basketball game? Yes. Will I still have an ache in my heart every time Daniel wallops me in Scattergories or Boggle? Yes. Will I know how to handle the reactions my girls have when they lose their first board game? Yes. With encouragement, praise and open arms.

...and I'll make sure Daniel has the video camera ready.